People say I’m negative. That I have a bad attitude. They tell me I control the things that happen to me and the quality
of my life by the thoughts in my head. They ask me why I’m so angry. I say fuck
them.
Life is tough. Life is real. Life can be a real bastard.
When I see something good, I think good thoughts. I feel good things. But when I see
something shitty, I see it for what it is — shitty. I don’t need to try to see
the positive in everything, because not everything has something positive in it
to see. Don’t tell me how to think.
I grow tired of the people who tell me everything happens
for a reason. Think about it. That makes no sense at all.
I get sick of hearing “it’s all going to be ok,” or “it’s
all going to make sense someday.” You know what — it might not be and it
probably won’t.
I want to punch a hole in the wall when I hear “god only
gives you what you can handle.” Bullshit. Just because you get through
something doesn’t mean you’re “handling” it. It just means you made it through
without dying. I guess I’m supposed to consider that an accomplishment.
I’ve been through enough shit in my life to realize that
going through said shit does not predict or promise more or less shit down the
road. It just means you know what shit looks like so you know what to look for
next time. (That's gotta be some kind of record for most "shits" in one paragraph.)
Sure, I’m proud of myself for getting through what I’ve been
through. But I’m not sure if I’m a better person for it. I’m different. Some
days more appreciative, empathetic. Maybe a little harder edged and protected,
which can be mistaken for stronger. Other days just tired and resentful. But am
I a better person for it? I guess it depends on the day.
Some days the last thing I want to be is a better person. Some days I just want to be.
Call me angry. Call me a dick. Call me a pessimist. I call
me a seasoned realist.
That’s what I think. Let me think it.
That felt good.
JS
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